Transcription of writing in "MOM"
your parents might-
I might- my mom- we might die-
Find a cure-
a cure for cancer- a cure – a panacea – pancreases –pancreatic cancer and kidney cysts
swollen hurt groggy sleep-
I don’t want to die at work-
If i die now I don’t think I would go to heaven- too much stuff to carry when I go. don’t go… wait- stay – wait waiting for kidneys and livers and bone marrow and death- death… hope (hold me- please hold me I’m scared) mommy I had a bad dream… someone was trying to drowned you in a Disney land theme park (and the water was crystal blue) but you were falling and Cookie was there. I could see her sleeping with her tennis ball beside her but I was on the bridge looking down at you and I couldn’t reach you- and cookie didn’t move when I called her… she just lay there- and you are in the water swollen and cysts- cysts are on Cookie too- fatty cysts because she is old and there aren’t any squirrels to chase and she is old old old-
but mommy you aren’t old. are you? you always work hard- harder than me Me inside you when inside when before I decided to take fucking French class – before we went to Yellow Stone National Park – you were there before and dad was there at the bowling tournament with hot dogs and cheering – an then They cut you open because there was a problem like small canals or fat baby (me) and then
they found out
They found it
there are cysts there inside you where I was inside you and they cling to you and grow
from you and they told you words like hypertension and PKD and what the fuck is that
who gets PKD?
You inherit it like bad credit dish sets and genes
but nobody not Grandma Ecord or Great Grandma Ecord who is bi… bi-polar but not on hemo or great grandma Miller who hordes Avon and makes cakes bigger than me not great grandpa who sleeps or Sam, Chuck, or Clint or well maybe me…
But its news... its new in the 80’s and there we are on T.V. (I am drawing a bug) and you are special mommy really special… a mutant… mutating genes like spontaneous combustion, but spontaneous mutation and abracadabra POOF! You have a disease. Polycystic Kidney Disease and everything STOPS…DIS-EASE andme only me I’m the only no more children only me – then it STARTS
and you keep moving and play me Cat Stevens on my play Sony and every night he tells me Oh very young what will you leave us this time and I am 3 and I don’t know I see you are my mommy you aren’t sick you are super mommy you can do anything and we go to Yellowstone eating grapes and sandwiches out of the back of the truck on the turnpike and we see big scary geysers that build pressure and explode- there is pressure in you too pressure form cysts growing and they grow and they teach you about Creatnin tests but it is not real yet (for you, for dad) but not for me… I want to be like you maybe have PKD too… I don’t know what it means, but it is part of you and I love you... but I get older and shyer and I feel uglier and I am a snotty 13 and you get tired and we fight loud and dad says, “ How could you your mom is sick!” and I cry cry crycrycrycry – do you cry mommy? No you are strong and I want to be 3 and crawl into your lap… but I am too soon this snotty 13 and you are tired from me and from work and your stomach is swollen and you sleep you have GROGS the Grogs and I think everybody’s mommy must have the Grogs… There are more creatnin levels and Dr. Cholmyia visits and more cysts and more Cysts and your purse is swollen with medicine and I’m a little more than 13 and I see suddenly I SEE i know and it hurts like leeches and snapping turtles and suffocating and I am scared (but i don’t tell you that i know) And I am a senior 3 and a half years and almost free (and you hurt) and the creatnin levels change and then one night after working hard you cry you cry and you DO cry and it is scary because you are so strong so more than me and you cry “ I don’t want to die at work” at Boeing a corporation where they chain you up with HEALTH INSURANCE and I am scared now I am scared because I see that you are scared and I can’t sleep (you sleep but wake up all night with flaccid leaky heaving kidneys) and I hear you… I listen with all my muscles because I’m scared of the dark…scared of eternity scared of not being able to hear you downstairs on Saturday morning reading Dilbert to dad and laughing so loud that I decide to get out of bed and se you SEE you but I have to leave… but who will drive you to the hospital…what if… and then it happens like a flash like spontaneous combustion… I come home from my first semester and it says… “Chuck, we went to dialysis be back at 3” There is no Christmas tree up and it STOPS I can’t breath and the doors say words like transplant training and screaming silently creatnin and the house is empty just me and renal failure and where are you? You didn’t… I thought the creatnin levels were good. I thought 3 more years before… and then you are home and you are thin like twiggy and bionic with tubes and catheters and a wrist that is buzzing and you say it’s okay and then I see i See that this is not the end and you are not scared anymore and the hemo-dialysis is filled with people’s wives and their husbands looking so scared and they have more medicine bottles than even you and for 3 hours you sit by a giant washing machine waiting and stressing, because you are an A-type personality straight up always going always moving and now you have two seven up bottles worth of sugar water always inside you (like me ) and we buy new pants from the snotty lady at Dillard’s and you are still my mom even with tubes and catheters and surgeon’s masks four times every day … you wait waiting waiting wait waiting for the tests and the shots and Uncle Chuck’s Kidney and Christmas is tense and grandma hovers over you ( grandma never hovers) it is tense but you are calm you are waiting for five maybe twenty years of a healthy kidney and you don’t dwell on the forever of rejection drugs or pain or fear you listen to me babble about about me me me and you sing Morning has broken in the kitchen and your voice cracks a little so you laugh and change keys.